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Comedic Monologues For Males



Nice comedic monologues aren’t that arduous to come back by, however they are often troublesome to execute accurately. When auditioning for a comedic position, it’s essential that you simply select a monologue that can assist your persona shine via whereas permitting you to come back throughout because the characters utterly.

There are literally thousands of comedies accessible to tug monologues from. We’ve compiled an inventory right here that can provide help to slender down the monologues that can work greatest for you. We’re prepared to guess there’s one on this checklist that’s excellent for you!

Black Stache from “Peter and the Starcatchers” – Maybe You Suppose


“Perchance you suppose a treasure trunk sans treasure has put my piratical BVDs in a twist? How incorrect you’re. Sure, I’d hoped to be hip-deep in diamonds, however they’re a poor substitute for what I actually crave: a bona fide hero to assist me really feel complete. For with no hero, what am I? Half a villain; a pirate partly; ruthless, however toothless. After which I noticed you, and I believed, “Perhaps? Can or not it’s? Is he the one I’ve waited for? Would he, for instance, surrender one thing valuable for the sake of the daughter he loves?” However alas, he provides up sand. Now, let’s see: hero with treasure, excellent. Hero with no treasure…. doable. No hero and a trunk full o’ sand? Not s’a lot. NOW, WHERE’S MY TREASURE?!?”

Leo Bloom from “The Producers” – I Would Wish to Say One thing


“I wish to say one thing your honor, not on my behalf, however in reference to my associate, Mr. Bialystock….your honor, girls and gents of the jury, Max Bialystock is essentially the most egocentric man I ever met in my life…Not solely is he liar, and a cheat and a scoundrel, and a criminal, who has taken cash from little outdated girls, he has additionally talked folks into doing issues, particularly me, that they might by no means in a thousand years had dreamed of doing. However, your honor, as I perceive it the regulation was created to guard folks from being wronged. Your honor, whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I imply, whom has he actually damage? Not me. Not me. I used to be…. this man…. nobody ever known as me Leo earlier than. I imply, I do know it’s not a giant authorized level, however even in kindergarten they used to name me Bloom. I by no means sang a tune earlier than. I imply with another person, I by no means sang a tune with another person earlier than. This man…. this man… this can be a great man. He made me what I’m right now…he did. And what of the pricey girls? What would their lives have been with out Max Bialystock? Max Bialystock, who made them really feel younger, and engaging, and wished once more. That’s all I’ve to say.”

Beverly Carlton from “The Man Who Got here to Dinner” – Pomegranate


“Juicy as a pomegranate. It’s the newest report from London on the winter maneuvers of Miss Lorraine Sheldon in opposition to the left flank — in truth, all flanks — of Lord Cedric Bottomley. Pay attention: “Lorraine has simply left us in a cloud of Chanel Quantity 5. Since September, in her relentless pursuit of His Lordship, she has paused solely to alter girdles and verify her oil. She has chased him, panting, from fortress to fortress, until he lastly took refuge, for a number of weekends, within the gentleman’s bathroom of the Home of Lords. Virtually nobody is betting on the Derby this 12 months; we’re all making ebook on Lorraine. She is crusing tomorrow on the Normandie, however would return on the Yankee Clipper if Bottomley a lot as belches in her path.” Have you ever ever met Lord Bottomley, Maggie pricey? “Not v-v-very good capturing right now, blast it. Solely s-s-six partridges, f-f-four grouse, and the D-D-Duke of Sutherland.”

Henry Higgins from “My Honest Woman” – Right here to Keep


“Hmmm. Eliza, you’re to remain right here for the following six months studying learn how to converse fantastically, like a girl in a florist store. For those who’re good and do no matter you’re instructed, you shall sleep in a correct bed room, have tons to eat, and cash to purchase sweets and take rides in taxis. However if you’re naughty and idle you shall sleep within the again kitchen amongst the black beetles, and be walloped by Mrs. Pearce with a broomstick. On the finish of six months you shall be taken to Buckingham Palace in a carriage, fantastically dressed. If the King finds out that you’re not a girl, the police will take you to the Tower of London, the place your head can be reduce off as a warning to different presumptuous flower ladies (Eliza seems up at him terrified) However if you’re not discovered, you shall have a gift of seven-and-six to start out life with as a girl in a store. For those who refuse this provide you may be a most ungrateful depraved lady, and the angels will weep for you. (Seeing by Eliza’s response that she has understood each phrase he turns to Pickering, his former tone immediately modified to one among good humor) Now are you happy, Pickering?”

Charlie Brown from “You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown” – Lunchtime


“I feel lunchtime is concerning the worst time of day for me. At all times having to take a seat right here alone. After all, typically, mornings aren’t so nice both. Waking up and questioning if anybody would actually miss me if I by no means received away from bed. Then there’s the night time, too. Mendacity there and serious about all of the silly issues I’ve performed throughout the day. And all these hours in between after I do all these silly issues. Effectively, lunchtime is among the many worst instances of the day for me. Effectively, I assume I’d higher see what I’ve received. Peanut butter. Some psychiatrists say that individuals who eat peanut butter sandwiches are lonely…I assume they’re proper. And whenever you’re actually lonely, the peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth. There’s that cute little red-headed lady consuming her lunch over there. I ponder what she would do if I went over and requested her if I may sit and have lunch together with her?…She’d most likely snicker proper in my face…it’s arduous on a face when it will get laughed in. There’s an empty place subsequent to her on the bench. There’s no cause why I couldn’t simply go over and sit there. I may try this proper now. All I’ve to do is arise…I’m standing up!…I’m sitting down. I’m a coward. I’m a lot of a coward, she wouldn’t even consider me. She rarely does take a look at me. In truth, I can’t bear in mind her ever me. Why shouldn’t she take a look at me? Is there any cause on this planet why she shouldn’t take a look at me? Is she so nice, and I’m so small, that she will be able to’t spare one little second?…SHE’S LOOKING AT ME!! SHE’S LOOKING AT ME!! (he places his lunchbag over his head.) …Lunchtime is among the many worst instances of the day for me. If that little red-headed lady is me with this silly bag over my head she should suppose I’m the most important idiot alive. However, if she isn’t me, then possibly I may take it off shortly and she or he’d by no means discover it. However…I can’t inform if she’s trying, till I take it off! Then once more, if I by no means take it off I’ll by no means need to know if she was trying or not. However…it’s very arduous to breathe in right here. (he removes his sack) Whew! She’s not me! I ponder why she by no means seems at me? Oh properly, one other lunch hour over with…solely 2,863 to go.”

Harold Hill from “The Music Man” – Closing Your Eyes


“Effectively both you’re closing your eyes to a scenario you don’t want to acknowledge, or you aren’t conscious of the caliber of catastrophe indicated by the presence of a pool desk in your group. Effectively, you bought bother my pal. Proper right here, I say, bother proper right here in River Metropolis. Why certain I’m a billiard participant, definitely mighty proud to say, I’m all the time mighty proud to say it. I contemplate that the hours I spend with a cue in my hand are golden. Assist ya domesticate horse sense, and funky head and a eager eye. Did you ever take and attempt to give an ironclad go away to your self from a 3 rail billiard shot? However simply as I say it takes judgement, brains and maturity to attain in a balk line recreation, I say that any boob, can take and shove a ball in a pocket. And I name that sloth, the primary massive step on the street to the depths of degreda- I say first, medicinal wine from a teaspoon, then beer from a bottle. And the following factor you understand your son is taking part in for cash in a pinch again go well with and listening to some massive out of city jasper right here to speak about horse race gamblin’. Not a healthful trottin race, no, however a race the place they sit down proper on the horse! Wish to see some caught up jockey boy sitting on Dan-Patch? Make your blood boil? Effectively, I ought to say. Now associates, let me let you know what I imply. Ya received one, two, three, 4, 5, six pockets in a desk. Pockets that mark the distinction between a gentleman and a bum with a capital B and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool.”

Finian McLongerlan from “Finian’s Rainbow” – Bedevil You


“Don’t let her bedevil you, gents. A witch she is and a witch she’s all the time been. Who would know higher than me, her sad father, who discovered her on me doorstep, left by a fairy within the moonlight. On the age of two, she may speak with the skylarks, and decode the chirping of the crickets. On the age of 4, she may blow a rainbow out of a bubble pipe, after which put on her pants out sliding down it. Then, throughout her adolescence, she took a tragic flip. She started to alter whiskey into milk. It was a disaster, a disaster. From then on, one change led to a different, and now you’re all witnesses to the sad climax – she’s modified a white man right into a black. (silencing gesture) Quiet, Woody, I’m doing the proper factor. Only a minute, gents. Sharon may change a black man right into a white.”

Benedick from “A lot Ado About Nothing” – She Misused Me


“O, she misused me previous the endurance of a block! An oak however with one inexperienced leaf on it might have answered her; my very visor started to imagine life and scold together with her. She instructed me, not pondering I had been myself, that I used to be the Prince’s jester, that I used to be duller than a terrific thaw; huddling jest upon jest with such unimaginable conveyance upon me that I stood like a person at a mark, with an entire military capturing at me. She speaks poniards, and each phrase stabs. If her breath have been as horrible as her terminations, there have been no dwelling close to her; she would infect the North Star. I’d not marry her although she have been endowed with all that Adam had left him earlier than he transgressed. She would have made Hercules have turned spit, yea, and have cleft his membership to make the fireplace too. Come, speak not of her. You shall discover her the infernal Ate in good attire. I’d to God some scholar would conjure her, for definitely, whereas she is right here, a person could dwell as quiet in hell as in a sanctuary; and folks sin upon objective, as a result of they might go thither; so certainly all disquiet, horror, and perturbation follows her.”

Jeff Douglas from “Brigadoon” – Tommy


“Effectively, kiddies, that’s what occurred to Tommy right now. However, what about his pal Jeff? Effectively, he had enjoyable too. Tonight he went operating off via the woods after some highland hot-head who was gonna make all of the folks disappear by crossing the incorrect avenue. Effectively after some time, Jeff thought he noticed a chook perched low in a tree, and he shot at it. One thing fell to the bottom. He rushed over to it, and whaddya suppose it was? It was hot-head Harry. Yessir, the boy Dermish himself, mendacity there trying all lifeless….Now to kill any person some place else on this planet would’ve been an terrible factor, however you see, Harry was a citizen of the little city that wasn’t there, and he most likely by no means lived within the first place. Likelihood is there weren’t even any woods. In truth the entire day most likely by no means even occurred, since you see, this can be a fairy story…(indignant) Dream stuff, boy, all made up outta broomsticks and wishing wells! It’s both that or a boot camp for lunatics, I don’t know what goes on round right here. All I do know is that no matter it’s, it’s received nothing to do with me and nothing to do with you! And something that occurs to both of us simply doesn’t depend! How can it whenever you don’t perceive it? And also you wanna surrender your loved ones, your mates, your complete life for this? It’s not even value arguing about. Now go say goodbye to the little folks and thank them for the picnic!…You’re confused aren’t ya boy? , when you believed as a lot as you suppose you do, you wouldn’t be.”

Schroeder from “You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown” – I’m Sorry, Lucy


“I’m sorry to need to say it to your face, Lucy, however it’s true. You’re a really crabby particular person. I do know your crabbiness has most likely grow to be so pure to you now that you simply’re not even conscious whenever you’re being crabby, however it’s true simply the identical. You’re a really crabby particular person and also you’re crabby to simply about everybody you meet. Now I hope you don’t thoughts my saying this, Lucy, and I hope you’re take it within the spirit that it’s meant. I feel we must be very open to any alternative to study extra about ourselves. I feel Socrates was very proper when he mentioned that one of many first guidelines for anybody in life is ‘Know Thyself’. Effectively, I assume I’ve mentioned about sufficient. I hope I haven’t offended you or something.”

Man in Chair from “The Drowsy Chaperone” – Right here it Comes


“Okay. Now right here it comes. The second I used to be speaking about […] a second that has fascinated me greater than every other and that has introduced me again to this file repeatedly. Right here it comes. (Pause). You may’t fairly make out what she says as a result of somebody drops a cane. Is she saying “dwell whilst you can,” or “go away whilst you can”? And that’s precisely what you suppose whenever you’re standing on the altar, isn’t it, “Reside” or “Go away” and it’s a must to dwell. [… … …] So, in the future […] you say “I really like you” and also you mainly phrase it as a query, however they settle for it as reality after which all of the sudden there she is standing in entrance of you in a 3 thousand greenback gown with tears in her eyes, and her nephew made the huppah, so what do you do? […] You select to dwell. And for a few months you stare on the alien type within the mattress beside you and also you suppose to your self “Who’re you? Who’re you?” And in the future you say it out loud…then it’s a trial separation and {couples} counseling and all of your conversations are about her consuming dysfunction and your Zoloft dependancy, […] and the entire “relationship” ends on a very ugly observe along with your solely copy of Gypsy spinning via the air and smashing in opposition to the lounge wall. However nonetheless, within the bigger sense, in a broader sense, it’s higher to have lived than left, proper?”

Jack from “The Significance of Being Earnest”


“It pains me very a lot to have to talk frankly to you, Woman Bracknell, about your nephew, however the reality is that I don’t approve in any respect of his ethical character. I think him of being untruthful. I concern there will be no potential doubt concerning the matter. This afternoon throughout my short-term absence in London on an necessary query of romance, he obtained admission to my home by way of the false pretence of being my brother. Below an assumed identify he drank, I’ve simply been knowledgeable by my butler, a whole pint bottle of my Perrier-Jouet, Brut, ’89; wine I used to be specifically reserving for myself. Persevering with his disgraceful deception, he succeeded in the middle of the afternoon in alienating the affections of my solely ward. He subsequently stayed to tea, and devoured each single muffin. And what makes his conduct all of the extra heartless is, that he was completely properly conscious from the primary that I’ve no brother, that I by no means had a brother, and that I don’t intend to have a brother, not even of any form. I distinctly instructed him so myself yesterday afternoon.”

Leo from “At Lengthy Final Leo” – Gloria


“God, Gloria, how I all the time liked this! (sits on the bottom) Being out again at night time, trying up on the sky. It all the time made me take into consideration what a rare vacationer attraction the world is. About all of the well-known individuals who’ve lived right here, and all of the unimaginable occasions which have occurred proper right here on this planet. Generally, you understand what I take into consideration? I take into consideration all of the unimaginable occasions which have occurred that historical past by no means knew about. I imply it’s unbelievable among the issues that will need to have occurred that, for one cause or one other, we don’t find out about. Generally, I take into consideration all of the wonderful coincidences which have occurred that you simply hear about. After which I take into consideration all of the wonderful coincidences that nearly occurred, however didn’t…as a result of one man went down the canned meals aisle simply as the opposite one went down the baking items aisle. I can really feel this planet, Gloria. I swear I can truly really feel this planet hurtling via house. Quick. A lot quicker than we understand. (then) Know what else I take into consideration that’s bizarre? What if it seems I actually am the following Moses? Are you able to think about? What if I actually am?”

Orsino from “Twelfth Evening” – Play On


“If music be the meals of affection, play on; Give me extra of it, that, surfeiting, The urge for food could sicken, and so die. That pressure once more! it had a dying fall: O, it got here o’er my ear just like the candy sound, That breathes upon a financial institution of violets, Stealing and giving odour! Sufficient; no extra: ‘Tis not so candy now because it was earlier than. O spirit of affection! how fast and recent artwork thou, That, however thy capability Receiveth as the ocean, nought enters there, Of what validity and pitch soe’er, However falls into abatement and low worth, Even in a minute: so stuffed with shapes is fancy That it alone is excessive fantastical.”

Barry from “Desires in Captivity” – Continuously Combating


“ why males are continually preventing as a substitute of working collectively to outlive? Easy. Man is especially motivated to take a seat on his ass. Our biggest inventors are busy proper now discovering extra methods for us to take a seat on our ass higher. And once they make it, males will kill to take a seat on it. Wars will occur as a result of each man desires the perfect Lazy Boy Recliner within the galaxy. AND I SELL IT. I promote a deluxe Lazy Boy outfitted with massagers, heating pads, a cooling unit for drinks – it’s the closest expertise of consolation a person can get on earth wanting climbing again via his mom’s hoo-ha into the womb. If it’s a selection between that and serving to you colonize house? No contest.”

The Proper Monologue for You

Making the choice on a monologue is all concerning the selection that’s best for you. Follow a couple of of them and see which one matches. When you may roll via it seamlessly, and you may actually really feel the character, then you definitely’ve received your monologue! Better of luck

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Comedic Monologues For Girls

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