When The Onion’s editorial board convened to debate the tumultuous occasions of the earlier month, one conclusion turned evident: The world stands at a crossroads. Two visions of our collective future stand earlier than us: On one facet is a free and enlightened society, devoted to the ideas of openness, tolerance, and debate; the opposite is constructed upon ignorance, concern, and the suppression of dissent. Right this moment, the trail ahead couldn’t be clearer.
Merely put, we want mass censorship now.
Our nation was based upon the admirable ideas of a moneyed elite spoon-feeding its beliefs to the ignorant and unwashed plenty, and but at present that legacy stands in tatters. For too lengthy, our nation has tolerated the mewling and rambling of the confused public. For too lengthy, we’ve got watched the God-given proper to suppress free speech slip away. That’s why The Onion now stands united in calling on all governments, home and overseas, to right away muzzle protesters, dissidents, and residents of all stripes who participate within the blighted pestilence on human affairs generally known as freedom of expression.
Repeatedly, historical past has proven us that the opinions of the plenty aren’t solely noisome, they’re harmful. The free transmission of concepts via newspapers, pamphlets, and protest has too usually threatened trusted figures of power and stability similar to Joseph Stalin, Kim Il-Sung, and Idi Amin. Have we discovered nothing from their instance concerning the significance of suppressing dissent from the moronic and childlike public?
Right this moment, the hazards of free speech couldn’t be clearer. Certainly, a current Onion/Zweibel ballot discovered that 93% of Individuals have “little or no concept” what they’re speaking about at anyone time. But, what actions have been taken to stem the tide of inanities and idle chatter arising from their lips? The place is Mr. Biden, along with his supposed concentrate on American greatness, if not deploying his troops to interrupt in doorways and earn his dimwitted populace’s respect via concern and coercion? Does the commander in chief not perceive that every single day his personal residents overtly diminish his authorities on social media and in web remark sections with zero concern of penalties?
Sufficient is sufficient.
Over the approaching months, the Zweibel Institute for Mass Censorship will use its appreciable leverage and multi-billion-dollar price range to foyer politicians worldwide to crack down upon any and all people who makes an attempt to precise their beliefs in public or non-public. Efficient instantly, we’ll start advocating within the U.S. Congress for the abolishment of the First Modification and creation of a nationwide firewall to stifle dissent. As well as, we’ll study the valiant efforts to stem the move of data seen within the regimes of President Putin and Chairman Xi, who’ve demonstrated how worthwhile such nationwide censorship campaigns will be when it comes to taming an unruly citizenry.
Critics could query the place the globe’s residents will discover the data they want if not via conventional information sources. In fact, The Onion stands on the able to act as a mouthpiece of the world’s elite, utilizing its distinguished reportage to parrot regardless of the social gathering line occurs to be. Genocide, eugenics, incest—no subject is simply too taboo to search out help in our paper as long as it has been accredited by a reliable institution. What, certainly, is the aim of the Fourth Property if to not shepherd the simple-minded throng into blindly following a single unquestionable narrative? To this ultimate, we stay devoted.
Tu Stultus Es.