Soccer legend Vince Lombardi as soon as stated, “there’s NO substitute for WORK.” He really shouted the phrases “no” and “work,” which is a standard tactic of somebody speaking out of their ass. All due respect, Vince, there’s one thing referred to as luck, and it’s the important thing to successful huge on Tremendous Duper Betting Bowl Sunday. In any case, it’s not soccer, or the promise of salty snacks that brings us collectively as we speak. NO! We’re right here for one factor, and one factor solely, the cash!
However first, a phrase from the authorized crew at State of affairs Regular. Don’t fear, I’ll maintain this disclaimer transient as a result of I do know you’ve bought bets to make. You probably have entry to the sports activities almanac from Again to the Future, by all means, use that. In any other case, please perceive that should you use predictions from State of affairs Regular, you achieve this at your personal threat. You possibly can sue State of affairs Regular, however be suggested that my lawyer, Vincent LaGuardia Gambini, has by no means misplaced a case. Additionally, State of affairs Regular totally acknowledges that a few of these predictions could also be tough to show into precise bets, however because the authorized group is fond of claiming, that’s a you downside.
OK, now that we’ve bought the authorized stuff out of the way in which, listed here are my predictions. Prepare to position your bets!
Early within the first quarter, the great individuals sitting in part 7G at SoFi Stadium will try to start out a wave, solely to see their efforts dashed by a churro vendor.
After throwing two interceptions within the first half, followers will blame Rams QB Matthew Stafford’s poor efficiency “nerves.” However that’s nonsense. Stafford’s Wordle dependancy is accountable.
Canadian followers will level at giggle on the tiny American soccer discipline.
Hawaiian pizza haters will speak shit, as common, whereas Hawaiian pizza followers will quietly get pleasure from their ham & pineapple pizzas and surprise what’s missing within the life of somebody who places a lot time and power into hating one other human’s favourite pizza.
Friends attending Sara Elrod’s Tremendous Bowl celebration in Taos, New Mexico will miss a essential play as a result of Sara’s cat, Roland The Headless Thompson Gunner, will “by accident” step on the distant management.
Throughout America, individuals will order Coke merchandise with their pizzas, however the native pizza parlor received’t have Coke, they’ll have Pepsi, and so they’ll feel sorry about it, however no one will actually consider they’re sorry.
After an in depth play, the ref will spot the ball in an arbitrary place on the sphere, however he received’t sweat it as a result of the chain crew will hustle out to do some performative measuring.
Dooley ‘Nacho Daddy’ O’Hanrahan of Quincy, Massachusetts will carry the spirits of his buddies, all diehard Patriots followers, by topping this yr’s nachos with al pastor, as an alternative of carnitas.
The announcers won’t point out the Brian Flores lawsuit, not in the event that they know what’s good for them.
The Bengals will miss a “essential” discipline purpose, inflicting the announcer to comment how lonely it’s to be an NLF kicker, which in flip will immediate my Alexa to play Adam Sandler’s The Lonesome Kicker.
Throughout the fourth quarter, the ghost of John Madden will draw a chupacabra devouring a brisket over a replay meant to elucidate the mechanics of the dime protection.
Shortly after kickoff, aliens will abduct Nicco St. James of Paramus, New Jersey and take him to an area Vacation Inn to observe the halftime present.
With none pushback in any way, an announcer will speak about how the protection should be drained, whereas the offense, which has been on the sphere for a similar period of time, is “energized.”
Sixty-two % of the time the ref spends underneath the hood reviewing calls will likely be spent watching TikTok.
After the efficiency of two patriotic songs, flag waving, and a flyover of navy jets, some dipshit will complain about how athletes nowadays are politicizing soccer.
Tens of millions of individuals will Google “The Ickey Shuffle,” and expertise pleasure.
The individuals of St. Louis will carry a torch for a crew that doesn’t love them.
The individuals of Los Angeles will faux to like the Rams, if the Rams win.
It doesn’t matter what occurs, the individuals of Cincinnati will go to mattress understanding their groups loves them and their bizarre chili.
You received’t just like the halftime present, however that’s OK, as a result of you should use that adverse power to bond with like-minded strangers on the web.
Twitter customers will shit on Aaron Rodgers, however he received’t consider so many individuals really hate him as a result of his analysis says totally different.
Shortly after the edibles kick in, Chuck Penobscot of Paducah, Kentucky will understand that boneless hen wings are actually simply hen tenders.
A Yorkshire Terrier named Oscar will win the Pet Bowl, however allegations of steroid abuse will emerge virtually instantly.
After one too many PBR’s, your most lefty good friend will attempt to clarify to everybody at your Tremendous Bowl celebration how the NFL is definitely a socialist group, however they’ll be interrupted by a cute canine promoting beer.
Your friends will rave about your “revelatory” buffalo cauliflower with vegan blue cheese dip, however irrespective of what number of instances they ask, you received’t share your recipe.
After the sport, Tom Tuttle from Tacoma, Washington will announce that he’s going to Disney World. Sadly, the ticket agent at Disney World will refuse to honor Tom Tuttle’s declare, however after citing the Reality in Promoting Act and the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, Tom Tuttle will settle for Disney’s provide of a coupon for a free Dole Whip.
A startup referred to as Cyberdyne Methods will exit stealth mode with its first Tremendous Bowl industrial starring retired cyborg Tom Brady.
OK, that’s all for State of affairs Regular’s predictions. Better of luck to you on this, the holy roller-ist of holidays. Please do your pals and social media followers a HUGE favor by sharing these predictions in order that they will place their bets and grow to be bajillionaires 💰💰💰
And should you’ve bought a second to spare, please hit that ❤️ button 👇